How would the Snicket characters eat a Reese's?
by PearlGirl
Summary: read this Very Funny Dialogue! I read the Grim Grotto so chapter 13 is all about Grim Grotto characters. R and R!
1. The Baudelaires

DISCLAIMER- I don't own a single character in this story. I don't own Reese's peanut butter cups either. If I owned that company, I would be soooo rich. But  
  
no, I'm just a poor insane author, writing really random stories  
  
WARNING- Please do not read this story. It's a story about people eating Reese's peanut butter cups, which will make you crave one really badly. If you want to  
  
avoid the torture of sitting and reading about people eating such delicious things, feel free to read something else.  
  
HOW WOULD VIOLET BAUDELAIRE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Violet was standing at one end of the room, and at the other end was a table with a bowl full of Reese's peanut butter cups. In the room was a long plank, a car jack, a bit of string, a magnet, a heavy metal weight and a brick.   
  
"Hmmmm..." Violet thought out loud. "How can I get the Reese's peanut butter cups over to me?" She quickly tied up her hair with a bit of ribbon to keep  
  
it out of her eyes. That way she could get the gears and levers of her brain working without her hair being a distraction.  
  
Suddenly, a light bulb went up over her head. She had an idea. Quickly she arranged the objects in the room, and then stood back where she had been  
  
before. She then pulled on the string. This pumped up the jack, which tipped the table. Then the bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups slid onto the plank, which  
  
was tipped like a seesaw with the brick. This caused the magnet that was on the other end to fly up into the air and stick to the weight that was hanging over the  
  
edge of the table. The magnet pulled the weight off the table and it fell onto the plank. This added weight caused the bowl of Reese's to fly across the room,  
  
directly at Violet. Fortunately, she ducked just in time.  
  
"Hmmmm." she thought to herself. "It needs a bit of work. Maybe I can get it so the invention unwraps the Reese's for you! Now that would be a great  
  
invention!  
  
(A/N- seeing as I'm not as good of an inventor as Violet, this invention probably wouldn't have worked as well as it did. In my story, the author can make things  
  
happen. Please don't sue. Anyway, I warned you not to read this)  
  
  
  
HOW WOULD KLAUS BAUDELAIRE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Klaus Baudelaire walked into a room and noticed a bowl containing Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. There was a sign right above it saying "Please Take One."   
  
"Reese's Cups." Klaus mused, "I remember reading a book about them once. I think I was eight. It was a book about the history of all kinds of famous  
  
candy. I believe it was first made by a man named Harry Burnett Reese, in 1920. If I remember correctly they were first called simply Peanut Butter Cups. The  
  
creator used to work for the Hershey's Food Corporation, but then he decided to start his own business making peanut butter cups." Then Klaus scratched his  
  
head. "But I forget what his new business was called. I'd better go to the library and look it up!" And he raced out of the room to the nearest library.  
  
(A/N- I really looked all that up, about the Peanut Butter Cups.)  
  
HOW WOULD SUNNY BAUDELAIRE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Sunny teetered into the room her siblings had disappeared into a short time ago. She had just learned to walk, so she was a bit unsteady. She saw a table over on the other side. It was far too high for her to see what was on top of it. She toddled over to it and jumped up and down in an attempt to see what was on it. She managed to catch a glimpse of a bowl. Then she gripped the table with her teeth and climbed up on top of it, just as she had done in the elevator shaft in book 6.   
  
On reaching the top, she stopped to congratulate herself. It's not every baby that can learn to use her teeth like pickax. Then she looked into the bowl.  
  
It was full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. There was a piece of paper next to it with some scribbles on it. Sunny, being a baby of course, could not read it. She  
  
shrugged and reached into the bowl. She could tell that whatever was in the bowl was edible. She carefully chewed off the wrapper and looked at the brown  
  
colored candy inside. Sunny stuffed it in her mouth, smearing chocolate everywhere. Hey, you can't expect a baby to eat that politely. Sunny swallowed  
  
almost without chewing. There was no need to. The peanut butter was very soft. Far to soft for her taste.   
  
Then she turned her attention to the bowl, which looked like a nice plastic mixing bowl. She loved to nibble on the edges of those. Her mother had always  
  
let her when she was mixing brownies. Sunny began to contentedly chew on the bowl, thinking about how sharp her teeth were getting.  
  
REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!! And read my other Lemony Snicket\ Harry Potter story called The Sinister Start! If you have any idea for this story about characters, let me know. 


	2. Olaf and Esme

DISCLAIMER- I don't own any of the characters, which here include Count Olaf and Esme Squalor.  
  
READ AND REVIEW!  
  
HOW WOULD COUNT OLAF EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
  
  
Count Olaf walked through the door.   
  
"Anybody in here?" he growled. Nobody answered. Then he spied a table at the other end of the room. His shiny eyes picked out some orange wrapping in the bowl. He snuck over and read the piece of paper. "Please Take One." Olaf smiled. He reached his filthy hands into the bowl and grabbed a handful. Then he stuffed more into his pockets. When his pockets and hands were full, he blinked. There was still some left in the bowl.   
  
"I need bigger pockets." he thought. Then a cruel thought occured to him. Why not take the whole bowl? And he did just that.   
  
"I'd better go find those orphans," he said as he carried off the bowl. "They might have some more that I can steal."  
  
HOW WOULD ESME SQUALOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
  
  
Esme daintily stepped into the room. She was carrying her very 'in' bag with an eye on it, and a dress with a very fashionably cut rip that went from the bottom up to her thigh. She was also wearing black mascara, which made her eyes stand out in a very 'in' way. She had on bright pink lipstick, which, according to Fashion Magazine, perfectly matched her dark blue dress.  
  
Esme eyed the bowl that was on a table at the other end of the room. She walked over and read the sign next to the bowl. "Please Take One." It read.   
  
"How terribly unfashionable." Esme snorted. "The 'in' way to communicate now is with sign language. Writing is soooo five minutes ago."  
  
Then she saw the Reese's peanut butter cups in the bowl. "Ooooh!" she squealed. "Chocolate is very 'in' right now. I'd better eat a few of these." Esme reached out a hand to take one, then stopped. "But wait," she murmured, "Peanut butter and all other kinds of nut products are unfashionable. I can't eat those! It will ruin my reputation!"  
  
What a decision. Should she eat it? Or shouldn't she? It would be devastating to her ego if she knew she had passed up an opportunity to be 'in', but she would have to eat the unfashionable peanut butter too!  
  
"I suppose I'll have to just pick out the peanut butter and not eat it." Esme decided. "But then I'll get gross peanut butter gunk all over my hands!" she squealed. "I can't do that. Whatever will I do? This is horrible!"  
  
Esme paced for hours, trying to decide. Finally, she realized something. "I'm ruining my sandals by walking too much in them!" she cried. "Walking is very 'out' right now. I'd better skip." so she continued to pace around the table, but this time she was skipping.   
  
Finally, after another hour of skipping, she decided to take the bowl with her and decide later. But when she went to the bowl, she realized all the candies had melted. "Melted chocolate is totally 'out'." she proclaimed. "I guess that means the problem is solved." she left the room skipping.  
  
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S  
  
REVIEWERS:  
  
IsAdOrAlUvSdA'It'MaN- Well, I warned you that reading the story would make you want to eat a Reese's cup. You were deffinately right about Count Olaf. He had to steal the Reese's. Stealing is what he does best. I decided not to make Esme eat it, however.  
  
VisualPurple- Hello! I just got off the phone with you. You need to write a story. You'd be sooooo good at it! I promise to review it 5 times with different screen names if you post one.  
  
The OddBird- I know, Reese's cups are so expensive. They should pay me for advertising them. Wouldn't that be nice?  
  
Hermione Baudelaire- I'm glad you liked it. What's your name supposed to mean? Did Hermione marry Klaus? Or does it just show how much you like those two books? I'm writing a story that's a plot crossover between Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket. If I make a character quiz, I'll e-mail you.  
  
Coffee Luv and MORT- What's your name supposed to be? Do you drink a lot of coffee? I'm glad you liked my story. 


	3. Lemony and Jacques Snicket

DISCLAIMER- I don't own any of the characters, which includes Lemony and Jacques Snicket. Who would name their kid Lemony anyway?  
  
HOW WOULD LEMONY SNICKET EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Lemony Snicket walked into the room with the table at the far end and the bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on it. He blinked.   
  
"This may seem like a happy part in the horribly depressing life of Lemony Snicket, but don't be fooled. If you want to, you can stop reading this story right now and think to yourself that I went over to the bowl and found it full of Reese's cups. Then I happily ate them till I was full, and a big glass of milk appeared to wash it all down. You can even add that my beloved Beatrice came back from the dead and ate some with me. That together we talked and laughed and didn't even discuss the sugar bowl. Then you won't have to read the terribly lamentable, a phrase which here means depressing, things that are to follow."  
  
Lemony paused and appeared to be waiting. Finally, he walked over to the table. "I'm assuming nobody is reading this anymore." he said. Then he read the sign. It said "Very Fudgey Delights." Lemony sighed. He flipped over the sign and read what was on the back: "L- Do not eat! These have been poisoned by our enemies! From K"  
  
"I should have figured." Lemony said sadly. He picked up a candy and took off the wrapping. Then he took a penknife from his pocket and began to carve something into the candy. When he was done, he placed it on top of the pile. Then he left the room. Carved into the soft chocolate was a heart with "B + L" in it.   
  
(A\N- Everyone say it with me: Awwwwwwwwww.)  
  
HOW WOULD JACQUES SNICKET EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
  
  
Jacques ran into the room and slammed the door behind him. Breathing heavily, he adjusted his Veiled Facial Disguise and looked around the room. There was a table with a bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. He nodded. K had gotten the message. Now he had to pass it on to Lemony.  
  
Working quickly, he unwrapped all of the candies and took out a toothpick. All good volunteers kept a toothpick handy. Jacques began to carve into the soft chocolate of the Reese's Cup.   
  
After about 20 minutes, he stood back to admire his work. There were nineteen candies placed in a line along the edge of the table. But there was one  
  
left that he hadn't needed. "Yay!" he smiled, opening his mouth and biting down into it. "I love it went there's leftovers."  
  
Then Jacques froze. He'd heard something. It was a cricket chirping, he was sure of it. Time to leave. The enemy was near.   
  
With one last look at his message, he hoped that his brother would be able to read it before.......well, before something happened and it was too late to warn him.   
  
Jacques ran from the room, closing the door behind him. Ten minutes afte he left, there was a clicking sound from the vent above the room. Slowly, the  
  
temperature in the room began to rise. Soon it reached 70 degrees, then 75. In just over five minutes, the important, top secret message had been reduced to a pile  
  
of sludgy chocolate. Then another clicking sound came from the vent, and the temperature dropped to normal. It only took 30 minutes, but that half hour cost an innocent man his life.  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
Hermione Baudelaire- I like Kirby. It's short and sweet. I'll only write more if you send me 10 bags of Reese's Cups. On second thought, make it 20!   
  
Violet Baudelaire- Are you related to Hermione Baudelaire? Just kidding.That Reese's craving? That's how I feel every time I write this story. I think my favorite candy of all time is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.  
  
Smiles- Good question about Esme. I have no idea. If dating guys like Olaf was out, she's probably marry him! Gak! Don't even think about it!  
  
Samantha B.- Glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing.  
  
Cofee Luv and MORT- Hello Mort! How are you doing today? I actually have never had coffee. My Mom drinks it a lot though. She also likes tea, can you imagine? No offense to tea lovers out there, but I just don't like the idea of drinking leaves and water.   
  
Muskrat- Sugar? Did you say sugar? Where? Where is it? I neeeeeeed it. Okay, breathe PearlGirl, breathe. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.  
  
BlackCherry667- It's a habit of mine to ask people how they picked their pen names, and I'm not breaking that habit for you. So, where's it from? Glad you liked my story.  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- Here's the Snicket's one that you asked for. The Quagmires are coming up next. Hmmmmm. Carmelita Spats. I hadn't thought of her yet. I'm feeling my creative juices flowing. You're allergic to peanuts? I hate peanuts, but I looooove peanut butter. You poor girl.  
  
Nes42- The Quagmires are next on the agenda. Where'd you get your pen name? Is it just random, or what?  
  
Kitti Malfoy- Yeah, well in my story Reese's Cups only melt when I want them to. That's one nice thing about stories verses real life. I'm glad you liked my lil story. I take it you like Harry Potter.  
  
REVIEW!!!! 


	4. Duncan, Isadora and Quigley Quagmire

DISCLAIMER- I don't own any of the characters, or any reese's peanut butter cups. I don't know what happened to them, seriously (burp)  
  
HOW WOULD DUNCAN QUAGMIRE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Duncan walked into the room. It was empty, except for a bowl of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. He walked over and saw a sign that said "Please Take One."   
  
"Yummmy," he said. "It's been a long time since I've had one of these. Being kidnapped by Count Olaf has its downsides." He began unwrapping one. "I think one day I'll write a newspaper story about that. I can see the headlines: 'Quagmire Triplet Finally Tastes Candy After Being Held Hostage for Long Period of Time.' Not bad." he pulled out his dark green notebook. "I'd better jot that down. As soon as Violet invents a printing press, I can write articles about Count Olaf's treachery."  
  
Duncan popped the candy in his mouth and slowly chewed, savoring the rich chocolately flavor. Then he swallowed. "I'll put the article right next to the one titled: 'All about the secret organization of VFD, which stands for V-" Suddenly, there was a crash in some room behind him, and Duncan's words were drowned out.   
  
"I guess I'd better go find Isadora." Duncan said, and ran out of the room.  
  
HOW WOULD ISADORA QUAGMIRE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
  
  
The moment her triplet left, Isadora skipped into the room. She was half-singing, half-chanting a little poem to herself:  
  
"I've got to find Duncan, oh where can he be? We need to find the Baudelaires and tell them all about VFD." She looked around the room and noticed the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the bowl. Then she read the sign. "Yummylicious!" she cried, and grabbed one hungrily. "I think this is the food I've missed the most. All Count Olaf fed us was roast beef. Why is he so obsessed with roast beef? And Esme was really into those disgusting aqueous martinis."  
  
Isadora unwrapped the Reese's Cup and shoved it in her mouth. "I really should write a poem called Ode to a Reese's Cup. I could send it to the  
  
Baudelaires! I'm rather good at hiding messages in poems, if I do say so myself."  
  
She pulled out a pen and her notebook and began writing.  
  
ODE TO A REESE'S CUP  
  
reese's cups are delicious,   
  
Very soft, chewy and sweet.  
  
For my next birthday,  
  
they woulD be the perfect treat.  
  
even if i'M allergic,  
  
or fEeling very sick,  
  
if you had A reese's cup,  
  
i'd plead for just oNe lick.  
  
if i had a choice between,  
  
lotS of different candies,  
  
  
  
Isadora stopped short. She'd gotten so absorbed in her poem, she'd forgotten about Duncan. She still had to find him, before she could finish her  
  
poem and get it to the Baudelaires.  
  
"Duncan?" she called, and hurried out of the room.  
  
HOW WOULD QUIGLEY QUAGMIRE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Quigley walked into the room. At the other end was a table with a bowl full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Quigley pulled out his dark purple notebook.  
  
"I'd better make a sketch of this room in my commonplace book." he said. "Who knows when I might need to know?" he quickly sketched the squarish  
  
room and rectangular table with the bowl. He even decided to include the little candies in the drawing.  
  
"That's good." he nodded. Then he walked over to the bowl and took one of the candies. "I love Reese's Peanut Butter Cups." Quigley unwrapped one and popped it into his mouth. "I'd better describe what Reese's Cups look like, and draw an up close sketch." he decided. "You never know when it might come in  
  
handy." after drawing his picture, he tried to think of anything else he should add to his commonplace book.   
  
"It would be very frustrating to find something out, but not realize it's important and not write it down." The Quagmire triplet said. "I'd better write  
  
down all the ingredients too. I've heard some people hide messages in ingredients, because nobody ever reads them."  
  
He glanced at the ingredients. "They're made of milk chocolate, sugar, salt, peanuts, milk fat, Various Fructose Drops, Cocoa Butter, Dexrose, and Soya  
  
Levithin. Hmmmm. They might be important."   
  
As soon as he had scribbled the list into his notebook, he ran out of the  
  
room muttering, "I really have got to find my siblings."  
  
THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Have fun eating your Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Hmmmmmm. Hector. Interesting idea. Do you like him a lot? He's pretty cool. He kinda reminds me of Jermone. They're both too afraid to argue with people.   
  
ZagZig722- I hope you don't die before you review this chapter. Trust me, Reese's are good even if they're poisoned and melted. Not like I've actually had the experiance of eating that particular type, but I've had reese's that were sitting in my candy drawer for at least 2 years, and they were great! I read your author profile and I totally agree with your least favorites ships. How could Snape be invovled romantically? It doesn't work. And I don't like slash ships either. Actually, I really don't like most romance stories at all.   
  
Muskrat- Hello again. Why the peace love and sugar? Quagmire does sound like a weird dance. Sort of. The world is never quiet in my house. Do you happen to know what it's like to have TWO younger brothers? My two younger brothers in particular? I didn't think so.  
  
KittyWillow- Yeah, I'm thinking about the caretakers. Someone suggested Hector. I'm also probably going to do Poe.   
  
Smiles- Nero was sooooooo annoying. Did you know there was an emperor of Greece or something who's name was Nero. He played the violin and he set his own palace on fire. I think he died in the fire, but I'm not sure. How dumb can you get?   
  
Coffee Luv and MORT- I read Dilbert!! Dilbert is funny funny. Did you know they made a Dilbert tv show? I saw a little bit of one. It was really weird. Hey, Mort. Don't pick on her! I sing in the shower too, and I'm proud of it. It's usually songs from the Sound of Music, which I hate but I know all the words because we did the play in fifth grade. I was a nun.  
  
S-Drama-Queen-17- Glad you liked my story. Reese's Cups are yummylicious!!   
  
PrincessEilonwy- What's your name from? A book? Yeah, the Quagmires are the best! I love Quigley. He has the coolest name. Lemony must have a "Every name that has ever been used in the history of the world" to look through.  
  
Visualpurple- Yo. I checked my e-mail. Now you need to check yours. We're playing PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN IN BAND CLASS!!! It's sounds soooooo cool. Of course, that means I've had it stuck in my head for the past week, but I don't mind.  
  
Ally Quagmire- Hmmmmm. I don't remember the Quagmires being quadruptiles. Maybe you're another one that supposidly died. Anyway, thanks for reviewing.   
  
Violet Baudelaire- You really look like Violet? Cool. You should be her for Halloween. I look kinda like Hermione from Harry Potter, except I have glasses (gak!) I wasn't sure weither Lemony was a girl or not.  
  
Irishdancerfromroi- So, you're an Irish dancer from Roi. What' Roi? Are you really a dancer? I'm glad you liked my story.  
  
BlackCherry667- I thought it was sweet too. It was hard to not make it cheesey, though. I've never been good with romance stories.   
  
Lattarig- I'm glad you liked this Very Funny Dialogue. Thanks for reviewing.  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- I think one of the best parts about Halloween is afterward where you sort your hoard of candy and trade with people. I always try to get rid of Tootsie Rolls, things with nuts like Snickers, and all those weird candies that you're not sure what they are and they have weird names. Like Mounds. Have you ever met anyone who likes Mounds? Or Almounds? Or Baby Ruths?   
  
READ AND REVIEW! 


	5. Poe and more Guardians

DISCLAIMER- I, sadly, do not own any of the characters in this story. I also don't own the commercial about Reese's Cups, or the Reese's Cups themselves. Did you know they make inside-out Reese's cups with the peanut butter on the outside? Weird.  
  
(A/N- You shouldn't be reading this fanfiction story. Close this right away. I have dedicated my life to researching, writing and posting the stories about how most of the characters in the Lemony Snicket books would eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. You on the other hand have made no such oath. Please, if you do not wish to feel a horrible, intense craving for some sort of sugary candy, read some other fanfiction story. Like maybe one of my other stories!)  
  
HOW WOULD MR. POE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Mr. Poe walked into the room.   
  
"Hmmmmm." he muttered. "My sources informed me that the Quagmire twins would be here. I need to find them, seeing as I'm in charge of orphan affairs."  
  
He waited a few minutes, coughing into his hankerchief. Then a thought occured to him.   
  
"What if it's the Quagmire quadruplets? I don't remember how  
  
many there were!" Then he spied the table with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "What's this?"  
  
Mr. Poe walked over and picked up a candy. After pausing to cough into his hankerchief he said,   
  
"Ahhh. These are Kit Kats. I really do like those candies. Oh wait, or are these the ones with caramel in them?" he coughed again. "I guess I'll find out."  
  
Mr. Poe unwrapped the candy and took a bite. "Not bad." He murmered. "I was wrong, though. They're filled with nuts." He finished the candy and put  
  
the wrapper in his pocket. Out of habit, he opened his mouth to cough. Nothing came out.  
  
"I didn't cough!" Mr. Poe exclaimed. "Why is that?" He breathed deeply and stood still for ten whole minutes and didn't cough once. "Could those  
  
candies have cured my coughing? I've had that cough since I was born!" Mr. Poe cried. "This is amazing! I must tell my wife!"  
  
He ran out of the room and out into the hall. A few minutes later, we hear someone start coughing uncontrolably and then saying "Darn it!"  
  
HOW WOULD MONTGOMERY MONTGOMERY EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Uncle Monty strode into the room.   
  
"Hmmmmm." he muttered. "Where are those Baudelaires? We need to get packed for Peru." he noticed the table with the bowl on top of it. "That must be something I forgot to pack." The man sighed. "I hope Stephano is very organized. Gustav, my old assistant, always remembered what to pack. It's so odd how he quit his job like that. It isn't like him at all."  
  
Montgomery walked over to the bowl and saw the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and the sign that said 'Please take some.'   
  
"Excellent!" he exclaimed. "There's a special snake called the Carnivorous Blue Snake that only eats chocolate and peanuts. We can lure him into a cage with these."   
  
Uncle Monty grabbed a few and stuffed them into his pocket. Then he saw a note on the table addressed to him. It read:  
  
Dear Montgomery,  
  
As I write this I can hear the church bells ringing! Do you know about the new movie that Dr. Sebald produced? It's not as good as the one with the horrible zombies who eat children. The title is Orphans in the Elevator Shaft, and these orphans have to escape the shaft and get to the candies that will save their lives. Tell all your friends that they need to see the movie, as soon as possible. I have watched it at least five times. Guess what? Currently I've been taking care  
  
of Shelia and her water needs to be filled. Shelia, my friend's pet snake, is a pretty black color with shiny blue spots. This is my first time keeping a snake as a pet, so I'm worried that I'll mess up. Venom isn't a problem; her's has been removed. Ring, ring! It's time to stop, my alarm clock is ringing.   
  
Sincerely, J  
  
"I must see that movie!" Uncle Monty cried. "And I really must see Shelia. I do love snakes." he grabbed a Reese's cup and unwrapped it. "Might as well have one now. They're not as good as my famous Coconut Creme Cake, but they're still sweet." He popped it in his mouth. "They're not very good for you either, but," he chuckled. "I'll survive. It's just one. Now, I wonder if those Baudelaires want to go see Orphans in the Elevator Shaft before we go to Peru? I'm sure we have the time."  
  
Mongomery hurried from the room, muttering. "Where is Stephano? I hope he's as good an assistant as Gustav was."  
  
HOW WOULD AUNT JOSEPHINE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Aunt Josephine walked into the room cautiously. She saw the table and winced.   
  
"Don't people know that sticking tables in the middle of the room is dangerous?" she muttered. "Someone could trip over it!" she walked over and saw the bowl with Reese's Cups and the sign that read 'please take one.'   
  
Aunt Josephine sighed. "There is a grammatical mistake." she took a red pen from her pocket and crossed out the sentance. "It is not grammatically  
  
correct to leave the first letter of sentance as a lowercase letter. There is also no period after the last word." she frowned. "And 'Take one, please." sounds better and more proper. She wrote it again in her flowing cursive.   
  
Then she turned her attention to the candy and shuddered. "I remember that Ike loved Reese's Cups. In fact, he had one for lunch the day the leeches.....  
  
that day he went.....swimming.....too soon." she began to bawl. "And besides," she wailed, "Sugar clogs your arteries! That's so dangerou! I don't want a heart attack." she ran from the room, nearly tripping over her own feet and slammed the door.

THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!  
  
REVIEWERS-  
  
Lilana Novakovich- I'm glad you like it. Is Novakovich your last name? It's a really cool name.   
  
KittyWillow- I wish I could have a cat, but my brother's allergic to them. Grrrrrrr. We just have a really weird bird whose name is Iris, but nobody calls him that. (yes, Iris can be a boy's name) We just call him birdie. And my sister has a hamster whose name is Alyssa, but we call her Hammie.   
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Don't worry, I'll get to Hector. I'm going to do the guardians in the order they appear in the series. You'll have to wait a few chapters.  
  
o0wallpaper0o- Your pen name is really funny! How'd you come up with it? You're from UK!! That's soooooo cool. I live in the boring ol' US of A. I can't believe you don't know what Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are. I pity you. You can't really experiance the joys of life until you've tasted one.   
  
Hermione Baudelaire- Thanks for the figurative candy. It was delicious. I like the Quagmires too. Especially Quigley.  
  
Violet Baudelaire- Gondor has no pants? What's that supposed to mean? I take it you like LOTR too. I love LOTR, especially the movies. I read the books, but they were about too long and detailed for me. I have no patience whatsoever.  
  
Coffe Luv and MORT- I like Dilbert too. Here's my update. I think I'd be more scared of Catbert. It's so funny how everything's bert. Dogbert, Dilbert, Catbert. No Dinobert, though.  
  
Visualpurple- Call me back as soon as you know about next Saturday. How 'bout a sleepover? You could come to my church or something. I'm glad you liked Celeste . Have you ever read a Mary Sue paradoy before? Do you know what a Mary Sue is?  
  
Smilies- Not a bad idea. Elders, hmmmmmmmm. And their crow hats. Very interesting.   
  
Violet Baudelaire's Best Friend- Beatrice Baudelaire? Do you think that maybe Beatrice was the orphans' mother? I think she might be, but I'm not sure, since they never mention their parent's names. I want the next book to come out so I can get more hints to this confusing mystery!  
  
Rosemary Parkinsons- I'm sorry you didn't like it. Maybe this chapter will be funnier.  
  
Crow's Blood on Quill- Interesting pen name. Where'd you get that from? The quill in the fifth Harry Potter book? That quill was freaky. Glad you liked my story!   
  
READ AND REVIEW!! 


	6. Sir, Phil and the evil Theater Troupe!

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own Reese's Peanut Butter cups, or any of the characters. I do own the room with the bowl full of Reese's cups, however.  
  
**AUTHOR'S NOTE**- Please, do not read this fanfiction! I have solemnly sworn to research and record how each Snicket character would eat a reese's. But you have not made any oath saying you must read this story. If you do, you will find yourself craving chocolate or some kind of sugar. Spare yourself the horror and find another story.  
  
_HOW WOULD SIR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Opening the door, Sir surveyed the room. It was impossible to tell where he was looking, because his cloud of smoke covered his eyes. He was smoking a cigar thoughtfully, and he might have been smiling, but my sources could not confirm that.  
  
He walked over to the table and reached into the bowl, drawing out a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.  
  
"I'll leave the chewing gum and coupons to my stupid employees." he laughed. "A man with an impronouncible name such as myself deserves candy."  
  
He unwrapped it and pushed the Reese's Cup into the cloud of smoke. I have researched for a long time, and I believe I can be fairly certain that Sir ate the candy.   
  
I am sorry to say the nobody witnessed what happened next. I have not been able to find a single video camera, spy glass, innocent bystander, guilty bystander, or snake of any kind that was in the room and happened to glance at Sir when suddenly a gust of wind from the door swept into the room and blew some of the smoke from the man's face. It took forever for my research to even prove that their was such a gust, and that his face was uncovered for at least five  
  
seconds. Those five seconds would have been all I would have needed to prove my suspicions. But my years of research has been unsuccessful. I know Sir laughed faintly as his face was uncovered, then quickly inhaled more snoke from his cigar, covering his face once more. I know that he then quickly left the room, leaving only the candy wrapper. If this horror and misery is causing you grief, please pick a different fanfiction story.  
  
_HOW WOULD PHIL EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Phil walked into the room and looked over at the table. He also saw the bowl with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "Why look," he said, "Isn't that lucky? Someone must have wanted to give us workers a break from gum." he walked over and looked in the bowl. "Oh, there's only one left." he smiled, "But that's okay. I'm lucky to get one. It sure was nice of Sir to give us this."   
  
Phil picked up the Reese's cup and realized it was just a wrapper. "I guess the other employees were really hungry." he said. Then he noticed one that was lying on the ground. "How lucky!" he exclaimed.   
  
Bending down he picked up the candy. It was flattened and looked like it had been stepped on. He unwrapped it, then looked at the ingredients "Cocoa Butter? I can't eat that without getting horrible rashes. I think they're only in Reese's Cups." he sighed. "Oh well."  
  
He walked out of the room saying, "Maybe since all the other employees ate them, they'll be full and they'll give me their gum."  
  
_HOW WOULD COUNT OLAF'S EVIL THEATER TROUPE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
The hook handed man surveyed the room. It had only a table with a bowl on top. The bald man with the long nose ran his hands through his non-existant hair and frowned when his fingers met with air. One of the powdery-faced women was swiftly applying powder to the other women's face.  
  
"You should have done it as soon as you got up." she scolded.   
  
"I was just a little bit tired!" the women with her face half covered in power protested.  
  
I'm sorry to say that no one was there to record what the woman looked like without the powder on her face. Then I may have been able to recognize her and give her a name other then 'the powder faced woman'. K was supposed to be dressed as a dragonfly and hiding in the room, but for some reason she was late. I can only hope something did not happen to her. She is so horribly flammible.  
  
The person who looked like neither a man nor a women grunted, but couldn't squeeze through the door. Instead, he or she just stood out in the hallway, blocking the doorway.  
  
"Ha!" the hook-handed man laughed."You can't even fit in the door!"  
  
The associate outside the door made a grab for the hook-handed man, but missed. "Hey!" exclaimed the hookhanded man. "What are you trying to do? We're on the same side, remember?"  
  
"Yeah." chimed in the woman who now had powder all over her face. "So no fighting."  
  
"We're all in this together." the other woman agreed. "We're friends."  
  
They all smiled wide, fake grins at each other and nodded.  
  
"Of course." the bald man said nodded, "We always share with each other."  
  
Then he spotted the Reese's Cups in the bowl. "Hey guys." he said. "It's obvious that Olaf's not here. You can just go to the next room."  
  
"Okay," the hook-handed man agreed. "Maybe it'll have a bigger doorway." he snickered.  
  
They started to leave, except the bald man, who stayed behind. "Aren't you coming, Baldie?" asked the hook-handed man.   
  
The bald man glared at him. "You go ahead, Hookie. I'll be there in a minute."  
  
Then one of the powdery-faced women spotted the candy. "Look what's in the bowl!" she exclaimed. They all turned and raced to the bowl. The two white-faced women got there first and began tugging at the bowl, each holding one side.   
  
"I saw it first!" one exclaimed.  
  
"I saw it second, and I deserve it more!" the other argued.  
  
The one who looked like neither a man or a women was struggling to get through the door.  
  
The hookhanded man was trying unsecccessfully to snag a candy from the bowl with his hooks. The bald man reached into the bowl and grabbed five or six, then started to run toward the door with them.  
  
The one who looked like neither a man nor a women rammed him or herself against the doorway and it broke. He or she then rushed in, grabbed the bowl, and held it above his or her head.  
  
"No fair!" the powder-faced women cried. "You're taller then us!"  
  
Just then Count Olaf's voice was heard from somewhere outside the room. "Are you numbskulls ready yet? You'd better not be fighting!"  
  
The bald man sighed and handed one of his candies to the hook handed man, who stuck his hook through it. "Only one!" he grumbled.  
  
"If it wasn't for Olaf, you wouldn't get any." The bald man retored.  
  
The person who looked like neither a man nor a women tossed two candies to the powder-faced women, then dumped the contents of the bowl into his or her mouth, wrappers and all.  
  
"Gross." one woman muttered.  
  
"That's not nice." the other women said. "After all, we're friends and we share."  
  
"Of course," they all nodded and agreed. "We just hate those orphans."  
  
Then they walked slowly out of the room, leaving the bowl behind them.   
  
**REVIEWERS**-  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Yeah, this isn't really ASAP, but I've got a math final. I know, fanfiction is more important, but for some reason my Mom doesn't understand that known fact. Oh well. Here's the chapter.  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- Glad you liked it. I hope someday they make fake peanut butter out of tofu or something so you can enjoy a Reese's Cup.  
  
o0wallpaper0o- Believe me, England is much more interesting then the US. Except for the fact that we have better candy!! I went to Camebridge for half a year when I was in kindgergarden, but that's it. All I remember is losing my favorite necklace there and getting confused because everyone called cookies 'crackers'.   
  
Smilies- No I will not break you off a piece of MY Reese's Cup! Muahahahaha! It's all mine!  
  
KittyWillow- I was just going to do Sir and Phil this chapter, but you asked for important people, so I decided to take an extra day and do the theather troupe. A BUNNY!! You're soooooo luckey! Bunnies are sooooo CUTSIE! They hop around! And they don't make noise (unlike hamsters, who just love waking you up at night excercising on that stupid, squeaky wheel) Wow, I ramble, don't I? Hee hee. Why Carson? I named my hamster Artemis after the greek goddess, and Artemis Fowl.  
  
PrincessEilonwy- Sorry it took so long to update but I have this stupid portfolio thingy due in Language Arts. We have to reflect on everything we've done this year! It's soooo stupid. And write how we should improve our writing and reading and blah, blah, blah. I'll definitly do the freaks. Probably all together would be easiest.   
  
Coffee Luv and MORT- Yeah! You figured out the code! It took me sooooo long to write that so it would make sense, and really say something in code. I have no idea how Lemony Snicket does it. He must have waaay too much time on his hands.  
  
S-Drama-Queen-17- Thanks. I like writing like Lemony Snicket, but it's not easy.   
  
Lilana JoHannah Estel Nocakovich- Wow, five middle names! Chinese people don't have middle names. I just have a boring, normal first, middle and last name. Snooooore. So people just give me nicknames. On of them is M&M, even though I like Reese's Cups a lot better then boring 'ol M&M's. I'm a fourth German, or something like that.   
  
Visualpurple- Hello! Our church's power went out becuase of the storm. We also had to have a Severe Storm Watch in school. That's were you're supposed to sit in the hall with your head between your knees. But everyone got tired of sitting like that so we just sat normally. The sky was all blacky and greeny. Pretty scarey.   
  
Muskrat- That's ok, I cheated to make this code. I had to looked through the autobiography and remember how the code worked. It took forever!  
  
Lilly Parkinson- Glad you liked my story. Thanks for reviewing!

**READ AND REVIEW**


	7. Prufrock Preparatory School staff and st...

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own any of the characters, or the Reese's Cups. So don't sue me if you find something wrong with them. Not my problem.   
  
**YOU CAN TRY TO REVIEW, BUT I WON'T GET THEM FOR AWHILE BECAUSE I AM CURRENTLY HIDING IN A COFFEE SHOP. I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT LETTER WILL REACH FANFICTION BEFORE IT IS INTERCEPTED. REMEMBER, YOU ARE MY LAST HOPE THAT THE TALES OF THE ROOM WITH REESE'S CUPS WILL BE TOLD TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC.**  
  
With all due respect, _PearlGirl_  
  
**_HOW WOULD CARMELITA SPATS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_**  
  
Carmelita Spats walked into the room and sniffed. "This room smells like cake-sniffing orphans," she complained. "There had better not be any in my room." She noticed the table at the end of the room. "What is that ugly table doing here?"   
  
Carmelita adjusted her tiara and walked over to the table. She looked in and saw the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "Oh, good." She nodded. "I guess this is part of the payment from those stupid orphans for being such a good messanger girl."  
  
She took one and began unwrapping it. "Earrings would have been better. I'll have to talk to Vice Principal Nero." Then she smiled brightly. "Maybe he'll make me Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Queen! That's even better then False Spring Queen."  
  
Carmelita finished unwrapping the candy. Now at this point in the story, I urge you to shut down your computer and read a different story, like "The Biggest Giant." I'm sure that book doesn't have rude snobby girls in it who get to eat delicious candies while you, as the reader, sit with a growling stomach. If you want to be spared the horrible fate of a terrible desire for a Reese's Cup, shut down this website and go read some other book. You can pretend that Carmelita did not get to eat the candy, and that prehaps the Baudelaires came running in and took it from her. This is your last chance!! Don't read the next paragraph, please! It will fill you with woe!  
  
Carmelita laughed rudely and stuffed the delicious, rich chocolate into her mouth, smearing some of it on her nose as she shoved it down. "I really should be Queen of Prufrock Preparatory School too." she decided. "Then I don't have to listen to those stupid concerts. And I should be Queen of the Snow Scouts. Surely even they can admit that I'm the most accommodating, basic, calm, darling,...." She frowned. "I forget the rest." she shrugged. "I'll make up a new one for myself. It will be called the Queen Carmelita pledge." The nasty girl smiled. "Everyone will say it when I walk down a carpet from my carriage. They'll say: There's Queen Carmelita. She's amazing, beautiful, charming, darling, exciting, fantastic, gorgeous, horribly cute, intelligent, jolly, kind, lovable, mindboggiling, nice, one-of-a-kind, pretty, quite funny, radical, smart, terrific, unique, very brilliant, winning, xylophone, young, and zippy!!"  
  
Carmelita grabbed the bowl and skipped toward the door of the room saying, "I think I'll make that into a song." Then she began to sing in a horribly off-key voice. "Queeen Carrrrmelllita is ammmmazzzing and...." she stopped  
  
suddenly. "What about autographs?" she cried. "How shall I sign my name? In cursive?" the thought never occured to her that she still hadn't learned how to spell her own name. Instead, she simply skipped out the door, thinking of a longer and more elegant title.  
  
**_HOW WOULD VICE PRINCIPAL NERO EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_**  
  
Nero strode into the room and glanced around. "Where could they be?" he wondered out loud. "I'm waaaaiting." He held up his violin and shook it above his head. "This is taking time away from practicing my wonderful music!"  
  
He glanced around one more time, and even bent down to look under the table. Then he sighed. "They must be hiding somewhere else. I'll just have to find them."  
  
Then he noticed the bowl on the table. "What's this?" he asked. "Is it a present? For me?" he looked in a saw the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. "Oh good, it is!" he grabbed one with his fat fingers.   
  
Suddenly, hearing a noise, he turned around. "Who is it?" he called. "I'm in here!" there was no reply. "Nuts, it's not them. I told Mr. Remora and that other stupid teacher that today is my half-birthday! They were obviously planning a surprise party, since they pretended they didn't know anything about my birthday. They were like, 'It's your half-birthday today? Are you sure?' But they were faking."  
  
He scanned the room one more time. "Now I just have to find them so they can jump out, sing happy birthday, and I can play a concert for them, in honor of the greatest musician in the world." He smiled. "Moi."  
  
"I'll get the whole big cake to myself. Except maybe that wonderful gym teacher can have a bite. What was his name, anyway? And I suppose I should give Carmelita a bite, since she comes from a rich family." He cackled. "And when the other brats say, 'Why don't we get a piece?' I can immitate them in my really, really annoying high pitched voice." The Vice Principal laughed. He unwrapped the candy and stuffed it into his mouth. Then he raised his violin and began to play Happy Birthday.  
  
At this point, I have not been able to find any imformation about what happened next. This is because the member of VFD who was hiding behind the wall and listening promptly blacked out when his ears came into contact with the indescribably horrible music eminating from the violin. I was only able to unearth a diary written by Mr. Remora that said he had gotten a long lecture from Nero about the consequences of not throwing half-birthday parties for Vice Principals.  
  
**_HOW WOULD MR. REMORA EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_**  
  
Mr. Remora walked into the room, chewing on a banana. He noticed the table and the bowl right away.   
  
"What's this?" he asked himself. He ambled over and saw the candies in the bowl. "I should use these in a story I could tell my students." he said. "Here's how it would go: Mr. Remora walked into the room, chewing on a banana. He noticed the table and the bowl right away. "What's this?" he asked himself. He ambled over and saw the candies in the bowl.   
  
"I should use these in a story I could tell my students." he said. "Here's how it would go: Mr. Remora walked into the room, chewing on a banana. He noticed the table and the bowl right away. "What's this?" he asked himself. He ambled over and saw the candies in the bowl.   
  
"I should use these in a story I could tell my students." he said. "Here's how it would go: Mr. Remora walked into the room, chewing on a banana. He noticed the table and the bowl right away. "What's this?" he asked himself.......................  
  
**_HOW WOULD MS. BASS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_**  
  
The door opened and in walked Ms. Bass. She looked around the room, surveying it with her stern face. Then she saw the bowl and her eyes brightened. "I love figuring out circumferences!" she cried.   
  
Ms. Bass ran over to the bowl and took out a ruler. "Let's see," she said, measuring the bowl's radius. "Its radius is 10 centimeters. That would mean its circumference would be.......... roughly 62.893 centimeters.  
  
Then she reached into the bowl and took out a candy. "Now I'll measure this!" she cried. She measured length, width and height with and without the wrapper. Then it began to melt in her hands. "Oh." she cried. "Guess I better eat it. Can't waste a good Reese's Cup!" she popped it in her mouth.   
  
The candy left little smudges of melted chocolate on her hand. "I'll measure these!" she cried. After measuring it, she looked at her watch. "I'd better measure my watch too! And all the little numbers, and the hands." after measuring all of that, she began to feel dizzy from squinting so hard at the tiny numbers. "I'd better get a drink." she decided, and left the room.  
  
**_THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!_**  
  
**REVIEWERS-  
**  
Brittany Malfoy- Thanks a lot for reviewing. Here's the next chapter. Sorry it took so long. I'm so naughty.  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- How do you know they don't already market tofu Reese's? What if everything we eat is really tofu? That's a kinda scary thought. Have you ever eaten just plain tofu? It's okay. I had it in a Japanese resturant. It's a spongey-squary-whitish blob. Not at all attractive looking, but it tastes better then it looks. It wasn't good enough for me to want to have another one, though.  
  
smilies- Now you're in the home for deranged Reese's Cup fans? Practically all the people who read my story end up there. Oh well. I did warn you not to read this.  
  
monkeymonkeymonky- Yeah. Neither did I until I looked it up on the internet. But Klaus is much smarter then normal people, don't you agree? Actually, I'm not very normal. I'm slightly, uh. How shall I put this? INSANE! Especially since we have only TWO AND A HALF MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL!!  
  
o0wallpaper0o- Don't worry, I'll do Hal. This chapter is about the characters in book five. I'm doing it mostly in book order, so next is Jerome. Then I'll do Vile Villiage people, and THEN I'll do Hal. I don't even know what I should do yet. Wait, I actually just got a brain wave. I think I know what I'm going to do, but you'll have to wait! Muahahahaha!! About cookies and crackers. You're right, I'm wrong. I was confused. You call cookies biscuits, though. Don't you? It was about seven years ago, and my memory's a little faded. I suffer from short term memory loss. It runs in my family. At least, I think it does. Hee hee. Have you seen the movie Finding Nemo? I just quoted a line from it.  
  
visualpurple- Ahhhhh. The freaks. Hmmmmmm. But of course I will do them! When do you get out of school? I get out this friday! Yeeeessss! It's really hot today. NINTY DEGREES! I'm sitting here, sweating. I feel really gross. You _really_ had to know that, didn't you? Anyway, I reeeeally hope they let you into team Elijah. I'll be so lonely without you! Do you get yearbooks at your school? We just got them, and everybodies signing them and stuff. I've forbidden anyone to just write HAGS (Have A Great Summer) in my yearbook because it's soooooo uncreative. Most people wrote at least five sentances, happily. I remember that in Elementary school we got these tiny yearbooks and you'd get the whole class to sign, even people you didn't really know. Now everyone just gets their friends. Did you get my e-mail?  
  
KittyWillow- Emily? You can't be Emily! I'M EMILY! My Mom doesn't want me giving my last name because there are evil stalkers on Fanfiction who will come and trace me and KILL ME IN MY SLEEP!! Anyway, my Mom was going to name me Amy, which I think is better, but she said Emily was longer. Amy is pretty short, but it's a lot prettier. Emily is soooooo boring. We have THREE Emilys just in my grade! It gets annoying. A lot of people call me by my last name so people won't get confused.  
  
SakuraAngel623- Glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- Sorry it took a while, but here's my update. I had Math finals. Grrrrrrr.   
  
Violet Baudelaire- Very interesting. I feel like a spy trying to piece together information about a case I'm working on! It's sooooo much fun! I want a rare edition book! How much do they cost? Or can you not buy them, they're so rare? My mom's name is Beatrice and whenever Lemony goes on about his lost love my Mom gets all sniffy.   
  
BeBopALula- Cool name. I've never heard of the song, but that's okay. Sugarless pudding? GROSS. What is that? Is it anything like Tapioca, which I've never had, but everyone says is absolutely disgusting? Glad you liked my story! 


	8. Villiage of Fowl Devotee's people and Je...

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own Lemony Snicket's characters. Why are you reading this? It's too miserable! Stop! Before the story starts! Get out before it's too late!   
  
_HOW WOULD JEROME SQUALOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Jerome walked into the room. He noticed the table with the bowl filled with candies. "Oh goodie," he said. "I haven't had one of these in a while. I think we might have some in one of our twenty or so pantries, but I've forgotten where that particular pantry is."  
  
Jerome went over and unwrapped one of the candies. "I really didn't want to live in the penthouse. It was Esme's idea, and since I don't like to argue...." he popped the candy into his mouth. "Mmmmmmm." he smiled. "Delicious." then he remembered something. "I remember why we don't eat these. Peanut butter is  
  
out! Esme told me awhile ago."  
  
He sighed. "She's always said that I should never do anything to make myself 'out' because then it will reflect on her status. Having a husband who's  
  
'out' is not very 'in', I suppose." he looked at the rest of the candy forlornly. "I don't want to argue, so I'd better not eat anymore."  
  
He started to walk away, then said, "I hope she doesn't find out about the one I did eat. She probably won't. As long as I don't eat anymore, I'll be fine." Then he left the room.   
  
_HOW WOULD THE ANGRY MOB EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
The door burst open and in stampeded a mob of very angry people. They were all carring torches and waving them wildly. It was fortunate that nothing in  
  
the room was flamable. Mr. Lesko cried, "The stupid murderers aren't in here!"  
  
"What?" cried Mrs. Morrow. "I could've sworn they came in here."  
  
"I'm tired of looking for those orphans." another mob member complained. "Isn't there any other criminal we can burn at the stake?"  
  
"Let's burn whoever thought they were in here at the stake!" one mob member suggested.  
  
"Hey, it's not my fault!" Mrs. Morrow said. "They're in here! I'm sure of it! I saw them come in the door."  
  
"Then why aren't they here?" asked Mr. Lesko. "Does anyone see three murderous orphans?"  
  
Everyone was quiet, then Mrs. Morrow cried, "You can't burn someone for being mistaken!"  
  
"Yes we can!" A mob member cried. "I'm sure there's a rule that says people shouldn't lie!"  
  
"I didn't lie!"   
  
"A mistake's just as bad." Mr. Lesko countered. Mrs. Morrow glared at him. "We should burn you! I remember that you once wounded a crow! I  
  
promised not to tell, but you deserve to be burned!"  
  
"You hurt a crow?" exclaimed someone in the mob. Everyone stared at Mr. Lesko.   
  
"It was already hurt!" he exclaimed. "And it was just sitting on my porch, so I swept at it with a broom to get it to leave. Then I hit it by mistake!"  
  
"Another mistake!" cried Mrs. Morrow. "Let's burn him!"  
  
The mob cheered. Then, fortunately for Mr. Lesko, someone in the mob saw the candies. "Look! Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!"  
  
Suddenly the mob went berzerk. "I want some!" Mrs. Morrow cried. "Save one for me!"  
  
Everyone grabbed them and stuffed them in their mouths. In a matter of minutes, they were all gone.   
  
"I didn't get one." Mr. Lesko pouted. Then he exclaimed. "Isn't there a rule that says only foods that have been approved by the elders can be eaten, because the factories that produce them might harm crows?"  
  
The mob members looked around guiltily. Then Mrs. Morrow said, "What the elders don't know can't hurt them. As long as nobody tells." she glared at Mr. Lesko, "We'll all be fine."  
  
"Agreed!" the mob members cried. Then they filed out of the room. Mr. Lesko trailed behind, smiling craftily and wondering where the elders were at this moment. He would make the rest of the mob wish they had saved him a candy.  
  
_HOW WOULD THE COUNSEL OF ELDERS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
_  
A group of elderly people in robes with crow hats walked into the room. The crow hats bobbed on their heads when they walked in the most ridiculous manner. One of the elders saw the candies in the bowl.  
  
"There are Reese's Cups in that bowl." the elder commented. He looked toward an even more elderly elder. "Are there any rules regarding the consumption of chocolate and peanut butter candies?"  
  
"Rule # 258 clearly states that no food my be consumed if crows were harmed in its making." The eldest looking elder said calmly.   
  
"But we don't know if crows were harmed." the first elder pointed out.  
  
"Rule # 259 clearly states that if no information is found regarding the production method, the food must not be eaten." The eldest elder replied.   
  
"But Rule #12,003 clearly states," another elder stated, "that all food given to any member of the town of V.F.D. must be first shared amongst the crows."  
  
"But the crows are not here right now." An elder elder argued.   
  
"If that is the case," the elder answered, "then we must bring some of the candies to the crows."  
  
"But Rule # 4,504 clearly states," the first elder said, "that all food must be first test-tasted by the elders, so that the crows will not be harmed by any food poisoning."  
  
"So we should test taste it, then bring some to the crows if it's okay," the youngest elder suggested.   
  
All the elders looked to the eldest elder for advice. He looked around the room, trying to appear wise and thoughtful. Then he said, "I will test taste it for the crows. If it's poisoned, at least the crows will not be harmed."   
  
All the elders clapped for his bravery and determination to save the crows. Then he carefully unwrapped a candy and took a small bite.   
  
"Are they good?" asked the youngest elder.   
  
"I don't think the crows will like them." the eldest elder replied. "Too much sugar is bad for birds."  
  
"Rule #43,503 clearly states that all food dangerous to the birds must be desposed of." the first elder said.  
  
"Should we burn them at the stake?" asked another elder. "I don't know if it will be as fun with candy...."  
  
"Rule # 5,603 clearly states that rule breakers must be burned at the stake." the eldest elder said. "That means no one else can, and neither can chocolate candies. Besides, some might not be fully burned. We want to be sure the crows don't eat them."  
  
"We could eat them." the youngest elder suggested. Everyone stared ather for a moment. Then they turned to the eldest elder and waited for his ruling.  
  
"We will eat them ourselves." he nodded. Then the elders slowly and calmly ate the candies and tried not to smile at the delicious, creamy taste. After they had finished, they filed slowly out of the room.  
  
_HOW WOULD HECTOR EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Hector walked into the room slowly, his face mournful. "They want me to look after the orphans. But I don't want to." He sighed. "I've never had children before. In fact, I haven't even seen children in awhile. They might be really loud. But I couldn't say no to the counsel. They make me too skittish." He looked around the room and saw the candies.  
  
"Maybe some Reese's Cups will help me feel better." he unwrapped one and ate it slowly. After he was done, an idea popped into his head. "I could dig a hole to China! Then I'll get away from the counsel of elders, and their stupid rules!" he cried. Then he began pacing and planning his escape. "I'll bring some books, of course. And some of my tools. I'll need food too." the bowl caught his eye. "I'll bring those!"  
  
Then, suddenly, his light bulb went out. "I don't have a shovel." he said, mournful once more. "How can I dig to China without a shovel?" Then he got another brain wave. "What about a hot air balloon? I can float to China in the air!"  
  
Then he discovered a problem with his ingenious plan. "But I don't even know where China is. And besides, wherever I land, they'll find me and burn me at the stake." Hector sighed, but continued thinking. "If I made a self-sustaining hot air ballon, then I'd never have to come down! Hector ol' boy," he smiled, "You're on to something!" then he grabbed the Reese's Cups bowl and strode out of the room.  
  
**THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!!!**  
  
**REVIEWERS-**  
  
ERMonkey, Queen of Insanity- I'm glad you liked my story! Here's the update. It took a while because I had to study for math finals! Grrrrrrr.   
  
S-Drama-Queen-17- Sorry you had to wait. I loooooove writing in Lemony Snicket's style! It's soooo cool. Oh yeah, tofu Reese's Cups. Hee hee. One of my other reviewers, Leigh A. Sumpter, is allergic to peanuts so she can't have Reese's cups. I told her it's too bad they don't make tofu Reese's Cups. I liked doing Carmelita because she's such a brat!  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- Market tofu Reese's Cups? Hmmmmm. Not a bad idea! Instead of lemonade this summer, I could sell tofu Reese's Cups outside my house. I'm sure I'd have a long line that went all the way down my street! My slogan could be "The fat-free candy that never melts in your hand! Sure it's a bit squishy, but it's made of all-natural ingredients!"  
  
KittyWillow- Wow! Only 300 students? We have 242 in just my grade! We don't have any Jamies, which is a pity since it's such a nice name. The most popular names are Amanda and Alex. My full name is Emily Louise [CONFIDENTIAL]. I'm sooooo happy! Tomorrow's my last day of SCHOOL! And it's just a half day where we sign yearbooks.   
  
Smilies- You laugh like a dancing monkey? I laugh like a hiccuping penguin. (in my world, penguins can hiccup. So can pigs) I'm glad you liked Carmelita's obsession with being a queen. Yeah! Good choice with how to spend youR dollar bill! We went to a lake today, and the weather was perfect. It was rainy, windy, and FREEZING! But at least the water was warm in comparison.   
  
Coffee Luv and MORT- Yeah! Mort thought of an idea! In honor of this rare occasion, I will most definitly do Madam Lulu and the Snow Scouts. But not yet. You have to wait a little bit. Muahahahhhaha.  
  
Opal- Glad you liked my story. Thanks for reviewin'! I love feedback, especially when it's positive!  
  
Violet Baudelaire- I got Izzy's review. Do you have an account on fanfiction? WHAT!!! I have to wait 3 MONTHS for the next book to come out??!! I can't wait that long! I'm going to diiiiiiieeeeeeee.   
  
Isadora Baudelaire- Glad you liked my story. Do you and Violet go to the same school? Do you have a fanfiction account? I'll update as soon as I can. Thanks goodness school's almost out! Just one more measley half a day!  
  
o0wallpaper0o- Last year? You mean last year of Middle School? Yuppers. I just graduated from eighth grade! Wee who! Happy. You probably get more breaks in the middle of the school year. How long are your school days? Ours are from 8 o'clock in the morning until 2:50 pm. Almost seven hours of thinking! I can hardly stand it!  
  
chuckles-le-squish- Interesting pen name. How'd you every come up with it? I'm glad you liked the Olaf and Esme chapter. Esme is one of my favorite characters, next to Carmelita. I also loooooove Quigley! Yeah, everyone gets a craving for chocolatey-goodness when they read my stories. Sorry. Not my fault! I did warn you not to read this!   
  
Visualpurple- No, MUSHROOMS hasn't reviewed any of mine (sniff, sniff) I WANT TO BE IN A V.F.D CLUB!!! YEAH!!!!! You're writing a story! I'm so proud! (starts to cry) You're growing up so fast! (just kidding) You must not try and contact me again, S. I wrote an article in the MLE times, and now O and E are after me! I'll meet you at the summer meeting spot. The Hooty-Hooty-Ha. Just don't have a heart attack getting there. Make sure you use your Veiled Facial Disguies. I'll be disguised as a Team Elijah member. We'll be safe there. Many of the couselors are members. J is there, but the campers don't suspect a thing. For some reason they think her name is Jay. Be sure to meet me there! When you meet me, say The World is Quiet here, so I'll know it's not someone else disguised as you.   
  
Sinthilian- Glad you liked my story. Yes, reading it makes me hungry too. Where'd you get your pen name?   
  
Sweetie880- Thanks for reviewing! Do you have a fanfiction account? If so, tell me so I can read some of your stories.  
  
PrincessEilonwy- Glad you liked it. Yeah, poor Phil. I always felt sorry for him. Carmelita was soooooo much fun to do. She's so annoying and bratty. I'm glad to say I haven't ever had a math teacher like Mrs. Bass. My algebra teacher this year did think that math was 'beautiful', but she was really fun anyway.   
  
**REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!!!**


	9. Heimlich Hospital workers

**DICLAIMER**- I, PearlGirl, the new FOURTEEN YEAR OLD, do solemnly swear that I don't take credit for any of the characters in here. I do take credit for being FOURTEEN, however. I also taking credit for the fact that I'm GETTING MY EARS PIERCED FINALLY TODAY!!!!!!! Wish me luck! It sounds painful!  
  
_HOW WOULD THE VOLUNTEERS FIGHTING DISEASE EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
The volunteers burst in the door singing "We visit people who are ill, and try to make them laugh, even when the doctor says he must saw them in half."   
  
Then suddenly, one of the volunteers cried, "Brothers and sisters, we have a crisis on our hands!"  
  
"What is it, sister?" A man with a guitar asked.   
  
"We're out of heart shaped balloons!" The lady cried. "How can we sing: 'Have a heart shaped balloon', if we're all out of them?"  
  
Everyone puzzled over this for a moment. Then the man with the guitar noticed the Reese's Cups. "We can give everyone candy!" He said. "They may not be as good at fighting disease as balloons, but I'm sure they'll help."  
  
"But what about our song?" Asked a male volunteer. "We can't sing about heart shaped balloons if we don't have any."  
  
"Hmmmmmm," thought the man with the guitar. "How can we change the words?" There was a long silence while the volunteers who were skilled at rhyming puzzled over this matter.   
  
"I've got it, brothers and sisters!" Exclaimed a lady with long, brown hair.   
  
"What?" Asked the man with the guitar.  
  
"We could sing, Tra la la, Fiddle dee dee, hope things start looking up. Ho ho ho, hee hee hee, have a Reese's Cup!" Everyone cheered at the amazing rhyming ability of their 'sister'. Then they began singing it over and over, about fifty times so that they would have it imprinted on their skulls and would never forget it. Then, still singing, they left the room, caring the bowl of Reese's Cups.  
  
_HOW WOULD HAL EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Hal entered the room. "Hmmmmm," he muttered, "This doesn't look the Library of Records to me. I must have entered the wrong room. My eyesight's just not what it used to be." He squinted around the room and noticed the table with the bowl on it. "Oh wait," he said to himself, "Maybe that's the bowl of fruit! I guess I'm in the library after all!"  
  
He walked over and saw that the bowl was instead filled with something other then fruit. Something orange and brown. "What is that?" He wondered. "I can't quite make it out. It's too blurry." Hal reached for one, but missed and grabbed empty air. "Darn it!" He muttered. "I should get better glasses!"  
  
After at least five tries, Hal finally managed to grab a candy. He fumbled with the wrapper and brought it close enough to touch his nose. "Why do they make the writing so small?" he complained. "It looks like Rights Peanut Booter Cop. Or maybe Reins Penguin Bowler Up? I don't know!" He decided, after much thought, to taste it and see what it was. "It's probably not anything dangerous." He decided. "After all, Matthias is such an organized Head of Human Resources. I'm sure he would make sure no harm came to the hospital or anyone in it."  
  
With much struggling, Hal finally managed to rip off the orange wrapper. He almost took a bite before he realized that the black stuff was yet another paper wrapping. "How much protection does this thing need?" He wondered.  
  
When the candy was fully unwrapped, he hesitantly took a small bite. "This is delicious!" He cried. "I really should give one to those nice kids that work for me! They look so familiar, but I just can't place it." Walking unsteadily, he left the room.  
  
_HOW WOULD BABS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
The door of the room squeaked open and a hand reached through the door and flicked the light switch. The room was flooded with darkness. Then a female voice muttered. "Good, now nobody can see me. I'm not supposed to leave my office, since adults should be heard and not seen. Oh well. I heard there was candy in here, and I want some."   
  
Footsteps could be heard on the carpet as someone, probably of average weight and height, walked toward the table in the middle of the room. There was a crinkling sound, as if a piece of chocolate and peanut butter candy was being unwrapped. Then a chewing sound, as if someone was chewing candy with their mouth open. Then came a contented sigh, and a voice that said, "This is delicious. I'd better take them all with me to my office. After all, I wouldn't want anyone to see me if I came back here for more."  
  
Then more footsteps walked to the door, which opened, and closed again quickly. By the time my assistant had gotten out of his hiding place, ran to the door and looked out in the hall, the mysterious person had gone. But, after researching the incident as much as possible, I have come to the conclusion that the someone who took the Reese's Cups was Babs, former head of Human Resources. Unfortunately, Count Olaf convinced her to become a stuntwomen and throw herself off buildings before I was ever able to see her and possibly discover the secrets surrounding her, and Hemlich Hospital. For now, all I can do it continue my sad duty of recording all the things I have seen happening in the room with the bowl of Reese's Cups.   
  
_THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!_  
  
**REVIEWERS-**  
  
ERMonkey, Burner of Cookies- Did you have a bad baking accident with cookies or something? Why the changed name? I usually don't burn cookies, I usually burn my finger trying to get them out of the oven. Yesterday I burned holes in a plastic tray. Not good. Oh well, we have plenty of plastic trays at my house. You really are obsessed with Hector, aren't you? I like Quigley better. He's got a cool name.  
  
chuckles-le-squish- Your SCIENCE TEACHER gave you a name like chuckles-le-squish? This is one teacher I've got to meet. The mob was fun to do. Hee hee.  
  
Violet Baudelaire- That would be soooo cool if you had gotten the part! Then I could say, I've talked to the actress who played Violet! Oh well. How expensive is the Grim Grotto going to be? Klaus is going to be taller then Violet? That stinks! The little preview thingy didn't work on my computer. Grrrrrr. I'm five three, but that's pretty short for my age (I just turned 14!!!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEE!!!)   
  
KittyWillow- I'm glad you liked the chapter. Hector is funfun. We don't have a lot of money in my school either, but they always find some to make at least some kind of yearbooks. It's soooo sad because they're firing one of my favorite teachers because they don't have enough money to pay him. Grrrrr. (sniff, sniff) What if you had hunting class in your school, where you went out and caught deer? Hmmmm. Venison. Hee hee.  
  
hypaanimuva- Sebald code is really hard. After the ringing of a bell, the coded words are ten words apart. Here's the message: As I write this I can hear the church bells ringing! Do you know about the new movie that Dr. Sebald produced? It's not as good as the one with the horrible zombies who eat children. The title is Orphans in the Elevator Shaft, and these orphans have to escape the shaft and get to the candies that will save their lives. Tell all your friends that they need to see the movie, as soon as possible. I have watched it at least five times. Guess what? Currently I've been taking care of Shelia and her water needs to be filled. Shelia, my friend's pet snake, is a pretty black color with shiny blue spots. This is my first time keeping a snake as a pet, so I'm worried that I'll mess up. Venom isn't a problem; her's has been removed. Ring, ring! It's time to stop, my alarm clock is ringing.   
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- Glad you liked the chapter. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
o0wallpaper0o- We have two semesters in a year and two quarters in each semester. Most electives like art are quarter classes. I've been in China for the past week and a half. Serious fanfiction deprivation. I also printed out a couple of stories to read, but it just wasn't the same. And I couldn't check my reviews for a week and a half. I looooove reviews! But at least now I can come back and read lots of reviews!  
  
Smilies- Wow, my 100th reviewer. That makes you very special. You're going to be Klaus? How are you going to manage that? Do you have short hair? I'm probably either going to be Violet (even though I don't look anything like her) or Hermione (I look a LOT like Hermione, except I have glasses)   
  
NewbiaTheElf- You sound like my sister so much! I call her grammer sensitive. She checks my stories most of the time, but lately we've been really busy going on vacations (I just got back from China!!) and so she usually just skims them. I stink at grammer, and used to stink at spelling. Mi speling hes imperoved im hapi two sai. Just kidding! My spelling has improved I'm happy to say. Oh well. I kinda meant that Quigley made a sketchy map of the room. I guess I didn't explain that very well. Thanks for correcting me on the dialogue punctuation. You know, nobody has ever taught me the correct way to write that sort of stuff. I mostly just guess and my sister can usually correct it for me. I like Baldie and Hookie a lot. Too bad Baldie dies. Wait, you have read Carnivorious Carnivel, right? Yeah, Nero saying like is supposed to be a joke. I love making fun of Nero. He's so stupid.   
  
Visualpurple- I'm glad you found your commonplace book. I just got off IM with you. By the way, I forgot to tell you. My sister and I are starting a common place book on all the books and the unauthorized authbiography. We're about halfway through book one. It's fun to read through them and be picky about the details.   
  
PrincessEilonwy- Yeah, the youngest elder is probably 70 or something. That's just a little younger then my grandpa! Hee hee. Henpecked husband!   
  
Coffee Luv and MORT- Come on Mort! Give me an idea for my next chapter! You can do it! Hee hee.   
  
S-Drama-Queen-17- Reese's are my favorite candy too. I really like Reese's because there are all different types: Reese's Bites, Reese's Cups, White chocolate cups, Inside out ones, Reese's Pieces, Reese's Sticks and Fastbreaks. Thanky for the compliment.  
  
Ooga- Glad you liked it. Your name is quite...interesting. Why'd you choose it?   
  
SakuraAngel623- What's your name mean? Glad you liked Esme and Lemony. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!**


	10. Characters I forgot

**DISCLAIMER**-I don't own any of the characters, though I do own the room that the Reese's Cups are in. I hope you won't read this story, because it will only make you miserable and hungry.  
  
(**A/N**- Sorry it's short. I'm leaving on vacation again the day after tomorrow, so this was all I had time to do. It's got three people whom I failed to mention earlier, because I totally forgot. Next chapter will be the Carnivorus Carnival people.)  
  
_HOW WOULD CHARLES EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
_  
Charles walked into the room. "Hmmmmm." He thought. "I don't remember this room being in the mill before. How interesting."  
  
He was about to go when he smelled something. "Ummmmm." He sniffed. "What is that delicious aroma of chocolate and peanuts?" He followed his nose to the bowl of candy.   
  
"Oh!" He cried. "It's Reese's Peanut Butter Cups! How I love these! I haven't had them in a while! I mostly only get peaches and gum, since Sir says he owns the half of the lumbermill with the food." Charles suddenly looked mournful. "I guess that means that these don't belong to me."  
  
He picked up the bowl and began to walk out of the room, when he noticed the sign. "Take one." It said. "Maybe these are from Sir to the employees." Charles thought. "Then I can probably have one." But he still wasn't sure. He thought about this dilemma for a few minutes, then decided to follow a certain rule that was set down many years ago by somebody's ancestor in a rhyme. The rule goes as follows: "Finders keepers, losers weepers."  
  
"These don't belong to the lumbermill. Probably." Charles reasoned. "So I found them, and I can do whatever I want with them. And I choose to eat one, and give the rest to the Baudelaires!" He took one and, looking very happy, unwrapped it and ate it.   
  
"Yum!" He cried. "Since Sir never said that the Reese's were part of his half of the lumbermill, I guess that means I'm the winner!"  
  
And he skipped out of the room.  
  
_HOW WOULD GUSTAV EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
I have researched this immensely, and I know that Gustav was in fact supposed to come into this room at the time I was hiding in it, observing. But for some reason which I have not been able to discover, he did not come into the room. I waited for a very long time, at least 14 hours, but he never came. I can only hope that, as a friend of mine in a general store once told me, "no news is good news." Perhaps he was so busy finding new snakes for the collection that he decided to stay in Peru with Montgomery a few weeks longer. I suppose, unless he comes later, I will never know how Gustav would eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.  
  
_HOW WOULD DOCTOR ORWELL EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Doctor Orwell strode into the room, furious. "How dare that author forget me!" She cried. "I'll show her!" She pressed the ruby that was on top of her black cane and a blade emerged from the other end. She ran to the table and chopped off one of the legs with one swipe. "Ha!" She cried. The table fell over and Reese's Cups flew everywhere.  
  
"What the...?" Doctor Orwell bent down and looked at the Reese's Cups. "What are those? Maybe they're the gum that Sir feeds those stupid workers of his." A scowl crossed her face. "Those idiot children work for him too." Then Doctor Orwell smiled an iniquitous grin, a word which here means very, very evil and sinister, because she was thinking of a very horrible plan.  
  
"I'll just _accidently_ chop these pieces of gum into very, very tiny bits. Then the poor children won't have enough to eat. Poor them." She then began to do exactly that. With her sword she chopped and chopped, yelling things like "This is for you, Baudelaire midgets! This is for you and your fortune which is so hard to get! This is for you, Beatrice!"  
  
Then she stopped dead. "This isn't gum!" She cried as she examined her sword. "This is chocolate and peanut butter." Using her sword, she stabbed one Reese's Cup and held it to her mouth. "Ummmm." She said as she took a bite. "Delicious. Oh well. Whatever that was, the Baudelaires won't get any of it." She cackled evily and strode out of the room.  
  
_THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!_  
  
**REVIEWERS-**  
  
S-Drama-Queen-17- Babs was the old Head of Human Resources at the Hemlich Hospital before Matthias (cough, cough) COUNT OLAF (cough, cough) took over. I can't wait for the next book to come out!!!! I'm worried that they're going to screw up the characters and make the movie really bad. I hope they won't though. Either way, I'm definitely going to see it.  
  
Lisa Jane- You didn't like them! Amazing. That's a first. The only people I know who don't like them are people who are allergic to peanuts. Cool, Australia. G'day mate! Sorry, I couldn't help but say that. It's winter over there, isn't it? So you're in school? It's almost the end of summer vacation right now. Do you get snow?  
  
Smilies- No, I haven't seen the Grim Grotto cover yet. SHOW ME! PLEEEEEEASE! I'll be forever in your debt! I beg of you! Really, you're trying out for the movie? That's soooooo awesome! Who're you going to be?   
  
o0wallpaper0o- I was gone for 17 days, and I was dying! I needed the computer soooooo bad! We were driving home, and we were about an hour away. My father and brother wanted to stop for dinner, but I begged them to just let us keep driving home so I could get on the computer! They finally agreed and we just had dinner at home. I was sooooo happy! I like your cat's name. I used to have a cat named Lucky, but we had to give him back to the previous owner when we found out my brother was allergic. Grrrrrrrrr.  
  
Visualpurple- Camp was soooo fun, wasn't it? When are you going to post a story??? WRITE ONE NOOOOOWWWW!!! Please? Do you think we could get together again this summer, or are you busy? I need to write to you, or e-mail. Call me when you get the pictures developed! I want to see them! Do you know the exact date that the Grim Grotto's coming out?  
  
Coffe Luv and MORT- Sorry, I forgot about Dr. Orwell. I did her this chapter, along with some others that I forgot. Madam Lulu and the Snow Scouts will be coming up shortly. Tell Mort not to get so stressed out! He should take yoga or something. Take deep breaths.  
  
NewbiaTheElf- Thanks for helping me with punctuation. You should be proud of me because I also started putting two spaces after every period. Before, I was just too lazy, and I didn't think anyone on fanfiction cared that much!  
  
PrincessEilonwy- Yeah, I didn't remember the eighth book very well either. I had to reread parts of it. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Leigh A Sumpter- Yeah, I'm considering doing how the Harry Potter characters would eat a Reese's. I've already done how the crew of the Starship Enterprise would. I've already got ideas for Ginny, Fred and George, and a couple of others. We'll just have to see if I can get my brain working that hard. After all, it is summer vacation!  
  
Klaus Baudelaire- Glad you liked my story so much! Thanks for reviewing! I like your pen name. I guess Klaus is your favorite character. I have to say that Quigley is my favorite. I love his name!  
  
KittyWillow- Yeah. Either that or Count Olaf just threw her off the building. But you'd think he'd use fire because it's more of his style. Sorry, stuff from TCC will have to wait until chappie 11. I realized I missed a couple of people from the earlier books.  
  
fat-louie-ate-my-sox21- Glad you liked my story! What's your pen name supposed to mean? Is it Fat Louie from the Princess Diaries?  
  
Lyndz34- That's soooooo cool how you're from India! Wow! I'd love to go there some time. Only it's probably really hot! I went to China, which is kinda close. Flying to India would take a loooong time!   
  
Goin down 2 South Park- Interesting pen name. What's it supposed to mean? Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Angel of the Elements- Glad you liked my story! What's your pen name mean? Do you mean elements like wind, rain, fire, etc.?  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!**


	11. Carnivorous Carnival Characters

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own the characters. I'm also uncreative about disclaimers. All I can think to say is DON'T READ THIS BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU SAD AND WANT A REESE'S CUP!  
  
_HOW WOULD THE MURDEROUS CROWD EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
Just then, the murderous crowd rushed into the room.  
  
"Hey!" Cried the man with pimples on his chin. "Where're the lions? I wanted to see the lions!"  
  
"Yes!" Agreed the woman with dyed hair. "This stupid carnival was supposed to have a lion show with violence and sloppy eating."  
  
"I can just see the headline: CROWD GETS LOST ON THE WAY TO THE LION SHOW." The reporter exclaimed. "Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!"  
  
Just then, the man with pimples on his chin noticed the Reese's Cups. "I wanted violence and sloppy eating!" He cried out. "And I'm going to get it, even if I have to do it myself!" He took one of the Reese's Cups, unwrapped it, and threw it at the woman with dyed hair. "Food fight!" he cried.  
  
"I'll get you for that!" The woman with dyed hair replied, snatching a candy from the bowl and throwing it back.  
  
"I can just see the headline: BOWL OF REESE'S CUPS START HUGE FOOD FIGHT. Wait until the readers of The Daily Punct-" Someone threw a piece of candy at the reporter, who glared at that someone and threw a candy back.  
  
Chaos ensued. Everyone was throwing candies this way and that. Suddenly, a woman wiped Reese's Cup off her face and stuck her finger in her mouth. "Yummy!" she cried. "This is chocolate and peanut butter!"  
  
The man with pimples on his chin took a bite out of the candy he was about to throw. "This is good!"  
  
"I can see the headlines: FOOD FIGHT STOPPED BY DISCOVERY OF DELICIOUS CANDY! Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!" The reporter cried.  
  
Then everyone began grabbing candy and stuffing their faces with it. "I haven't gotten one yet!" Cried the women with dyed hair. Within minutes, all the candy was gone, even the ones that had been squished on the floor.  
  
"Gosh, that was fun." The man with pimples on his chin said. "I love violence and sloppy eating, especially when I'm involved."  
  
"We still might have time to find the lion show!" Someone remarked. Then the crowd rushed out of the room, hoping to witness more violence and sloppy eating.  
  
"I can just see the headlines," the reporters voice faded as the door closed, "CROWD GOES SEARCHING FOR...."  
  
HOW WOULD MADAM LULU EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Madam Lulu walked into the room, her starry cloak swirling around her ankles. "Who is there, please? Are there any customers who want their fortune told by the great Madam Lulu?" There was silence in the room. Madam Lulu looked around the room and confirmed that it was empty, except for a bowl of Reese's Cups, the table, and my assistant who was in his hiding place.  
  
Madam Lulu's knees buckled and she collapsed on the floor. Then she began to wail. "I can't keep this up anymore! I wish just once I could answer to the name Olivia! My true name! But no, I'm Madam Lulu now."  
  
She looked up at the bowl of Reese's Cups. "Hmmmm. I think I remember a bald man and a woman without a beard coming into my tent and asking about Reese's Cups." Olivia, or Madam Lulu as most people call her, scratched her head. "They said something about wanting to know the location of a room with a bowl of Peanut Butter Cups. Something about there being 'rats in the walls' and they wanted to 'catch them and burn them' or something." Suddenly Olivia's face grew white. "They couldn't mean volunteers, could they? Are there volunteers here? In the walls?" She glanced around, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.  
  
Then with a laugh, she shook her head. "I'm being silly. Nobody knows that I was Olivia. Olivia and who she used to be is dead, do you hear me? DEAD! No more secret handshakes or messages, no more 'I didn't know this was a sad occasion', no more keeping the world quiet and NO MORE VFD!" She yelled the last line and smiled.  
  
"It felt so good to say that." Madam Lulu said. "Now, I'd better go tell that man and women about this room. They certainly had an aura of menace, didn't they?" Then she took another looked at the candies.  
  
"Well, it wouldn't hurt to take one piece for myself." She decided. "I know my new goal in life is to give people what they want, but they didn't want the Reese's! I want one, and I'm going to give myself what I want and have one!"  
  
Madam Lulu grabbed a candy, unwrapped it, and took a big bite. "Yum! This is delicious. I haven't had one since I got my tatoo." She looked down at her ankle and shivered as she saw the eye.  
  
"I need to get that removed. _Olivia_ may have had an eye tatoo, but Olivia was a volunteer. _Madam Lulu_ is a fortune teller, and fortune tellers do not have freaky eye tatoos, _please_." And with that, she walked out of the room.  
  
HOW WOULD THE FREAKS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?  
  
Hugo, Collete and Kevin walked into the room. "This _definitely_ isn't the freaks' caravan." Kevin pointed his ambidextrous hand at the table and the bowl of Reese's Cups.  
  
Collete looked around and saw the candy in the bowl. "Yum! Reese's Cups!"  
  
Hugo walked slowly over to the table and said, "Wow. I guess Esme musta wanted to make us feel less....freakish. She must have wanted us to eat these."  
  
Collete nodded. "Esme is so nice, and she always wants to make us feel welcome. I bet Reese's Cups are very "in" right now, and she wants us to be "in" too."  
  
Hugo blinked. "In where?"  
  
Collete just shook her head. "Never mind."  
  
Kevin took a candy and said, "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to eat these as unfreakishly as possible. Could you tie my hand behind my back?"  
  
"Which one?" Colette asked.  
  
Kevin shrugged, "It doesn't matter, remember?"  
  
"Oh...right." She laughed. "But I don't have anything to tie it with."  
  
"Hmmmmm." Kevin thought aloud. "I guess I'll just hit it against the table really, really hard. Then it will hurt too much for me to use." He slapped his fist against the table as hard as he could. "Owwwwwwww!" Kevin cried.  
  
"Are you okay?" Hugo asked. "You should be more careful."  
  
"I'm better then ever." Kevin said, holding up his smarting left hand. "Now I can only use my right hand." He picked up a Reese's Cup with his right hand and began unwrapping it one-handed, which was difficult.  
  
"How can I eat my piece un....freakishly?" Hugo mumbled.  
  
"How about lying on your stomach?" Colette suggested. "Then the hump on your back won't be very obvious."  
  
"Okay." Hugo agreed. He took a piece of candy and laid down on his stomach.  
  
"I'll try not to contort at all while I eat mine." Colette said, as she picked up a candy. "I'll eat it like a normal, unfreakish person." They all unwrapped their candy, Hugo on his stomach, Kevin with his right hand, and Colette very carefully with straight arms like a robot. Then the popped them in their mouth and chewed slowly.  
  
"It feels good to eat something that's so unfreakish." Colette said.  
  
"Too bad I can't learn how to make these." Hugo said sadly.  
  
"I'm glad Esme was nice enough to think of us." Kevin smiled.  
  
When they had finished, they left the room, still smiling.  
  
_THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!  
_  
**REVIEWERS-**  
  
KittyWillow- Now I feel really stupid. It never even occured to me that Dr. Orwell was an EYE doctor. cough VFD cough. I knew her office was eye shaped and Klaus went to her because he broke his glasses, but it never occured to me that eye had to do with the eye tatoo. I guess I'm just kinda oblivious. What's a katana? I named this chapter after what you said in your review. The CCC's. I still have plenty more characters, silly! The snow scouts, the man and women with the aura of menace, the snow gnats......actually, that's just three. Oh well. One more chapter!  
  
RandomGal21- I like your name. It's very....random! You've never heard of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? You poor unfortunate soul! Where are you from? I live in the US. They're one of the most popular candies, and least for me. I loooooove them to death!  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- Gustav was Uncle Monty's assistant, but he mysteriously disappeared so Stephano (cough, cough) COUNT OLAF (cough, cough) Excuse me, I've got a cold. Anyway, so Stephano took over the job. Charles was the nice man who helped the Baudelaires at the miserable mill. I haven't decided for Ron or Hermione. That's a good idea. I'm going to start it soon, since I've only got three more Lemony Snicket characters left.  
  
o0wallpaper0o- I'm baaaaaack! South France? Coolio. That sounds fun. No more vacations for me. Except the 2 month one to the North Pole that's next week. Just kidding!  
  
Jen- No, I haven't tried Limited Edition Reese's Cups. I've tried Inside Out, but they're not as good because they have less chocolate and I really like the chocolate.  
  
Visualpurple- I got your postcard, thanks a bunch! I'll be sending you a letter or e-mail soon. I got all your cute smiley e-mails. They're so cool! I'm sooooo excited about school. I don't like it after a week, but getting ready and going school shopping is fun, especially because we're going to HIGH SCHOOl!!! Weeeeee!  
  
S-Drama-Queen-17- Thanks for the review!  
  
Ash-of-Evenstar- Wow! Australia! That's so cool! A Reese's Cup is a piece of candy. It has a circular chunk of peanut butter in the middle, with really delicious chocolate around the outside. It's winter in Australia, right?  
  
Queenofinsanity- I'm soooooooo sorry I forgot to respond to your review! I can't believe it!!! Please forgive me!!!!!!! Here, I'll make up for it by giving you two notes.  
  
Queenofinsanity- Does that make you feel better? Thanks for not flaming and telling me I'm forgetful, because I already know that. My sister would agree. I sometimes ask her the same question three times! Once I made my bed with her in the room, then went into my closet. When I came out, I thanked her for making my bed, before I remember that I had just made it! That's what I call sad.  
  
Dragonblade vs. Jet-sama- Sorry you didn't like my story.  
  
luvruvsweets- I love peanut butter too! Yummy! But I don't like peanuts, for some odd reason. They're just too hard and they don't taste the same!  
  
PrincessEilonwy- Yup. Charles skips. At least, in my stories. Ok, here's the update. Don't die on me. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Freppy- I actually got all Klaus's facts off the internet. They're true! Yeah, I eat Reese's Cups while I'm writing this story, usually, when I can find some. Glad you liked the story!  
  
Freakish Muffin- Thanks for reviewing!  
  
?????- Hey, do you have a pen name? Here's Madam Lulu. I'm trying to do them in order, but I did Quigley too soon. Oh well. Glad you like the chapter!  
  
Violet Baudelaire- Nooooo! I'm going to miss your reviews! You're not 13 yet, huh? I thought not. When I asked your age, you said you'd tell me later. Well, I joined when I was 12 and 10 months or something. I just promised my mom I'd only read G rated stories, and she said it was ok. I still only read G stories, unless I know that author and have read other G rated stories by him/her, then I can read a PG story. Have you noticed that there are almost no boys on fanfiction? The only one I know of is Klaus Baudelaire. That's it! Kinda odd. I guess boys aren't the writing sort.  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!! PLEASE?**


	12. Slippery Slope people

**DISCLAIMER**- I don't own any of the characters in The Slippery Slope. I also don't own the Snow Scout Alphabet pledge, but I do have it almost memorized.  
  
(**A/N**- Aren't the Olympics neat-o? I'm going to watch gymnastics and field hockey, since I do both. Girls gymnastics is cooler to watch than boys. I had no idea that Table Tennis was an Olympic sport! I think Double Dutch should be because I have a friend who's really good)  
  
_HOW WOULD THE SNOW GNATS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_ (This was a totally random idea. It's kinda odd, seeing as they're not really human. If you think it's stupid, please don't flame)  
  
As my assistant watched the door of the room from his secret hiding place he heard a strange noise. Then the door opened and he asked himself, "What is that ominous-looking cloud of tiny white buzzing objects that just entered the room?" I'm sorry to tell you that he quickly realized the answer to his question was "A swarm of well-organized, ill-tempered insects known as snow gnats who live in cold mountain areas and enjoy stinging people for no reason whatsoever."  
  
The snow gnats buzzed in the air, then noticed the Reese's Cups. "Buzz, buzz, buzzzzzz." one of the snow gnats said, which probably meant something like "Let's see if those orange things in the bowl are fun to sting!"  
  
The other snow gnats agreed and they quickly descended on their prey. One by one the snow gnats flew into the bowl and stung a Reese's Cup, going all the way through until the stinger touched the peanut butter inside.  
  
"Buzzzzzy buzzz buzz." One of the snow gnats complained, which meant something along the lines of "This is no fun! I don't think these things are alive!'  
  
Suddenly, one of the snow gnats who was about to sting a Reese's Cup got knocked by another and went face first into the candy. When it popped its head back out it exclaimed something that sounded like a mix between a buzz and a purr, but which most likely would be translated to mean, "This stuff tastes really good! Come try!"  
  
In seconds the whole swarm had descended upon the bowl and was diving in and out of the candies, eating holes in them.  
  
Finally, the swarm had eaten all the candy. There was nothing left, not even the wrappers. The snow gnats left as an ominous-looking cloud, hoping to find something alive to sting for no reason whatsoever.  
  
_HOW WOULD THE SNOW SCOUTS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
A sound could be heard from the other side of the door. It sounded a lot like someone was chanting. Then the door opened and a bunch of kids and one large man with face masks came in. All of the kids but one were wearing bright, white uniforms with zippers and snowflakes down the front. They were all reciting a list of very odd words at the very same time. "Snow Scouts," they recited, "are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young and zippered- every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!"  
  
"That was great, kids." the large man said happily. "I love our Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge."  
  
"When are we going to get to _False Spring_?" whined a girl with curly hair.  
  
"Very soon." The man promised. Then he looked around. "Hmmmm. This definitely isn't the cave we were supposed to spend the night in. How odd."  
  
Then the snow scout in the sweater asked "What's in that bowl?"  
  
A young girl with orange braided hair answered "It's Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!" She turned to the large man. "Bruce, can I _pllllleeeease_ have one??"  
  
"No." The large man said. "Who knows how long they've been here? I'm not letting any of you get sick."  
  
"What about me?" The curly haired girl asked. "_I'm_ False Spring Queen."  
  
"Not yet." The sweatered scout mumbled.  
  
"I WANT ONE!" She cried. "_I'm_ False Spring Queen!"  
  
"We know, Carmelita." The large man patted her soothingly. She shoved away his hand. "I just don't want any heirs such as yourselves to get sick. Your parents would be very unhappy."  
  
"But it's only _human_ to eat Reese's Cups, is it not?" The little girl asked. "Don't you want me to be _human_, as it says in the pledge?"  
  
"Weeeell," The large man thought. Then he smiled and retorted, "But we have to be scheduled, and eating Reese's Cups is not on the schedule."  
  
"We could put it on the schedule!" cried a tall boy with brown hair. "And we have to be _grinning_. I'd really grin if you gave me some candy!"  
  
"But, but.." The man stuttered. "We need to be....jumping! We can't eat candy and jump!"  
  
"We'll jump for joy if you give us candy." An older girl with long black hair countered. "And you should be _understandable_ and realize that we really need candy!"  
  
"Well." The large man sighed. "All right."  
  
"Yeah!" The Snow Scouts cried. All of them rushed toward the bowl, but the girl with curly hair got there first and, shoving everyone else out of the way, grabbed two handfuls of candy and ran away with them.  
  
"Hey, now there's only enough for each of us to get one." The tall boy with brown hair complained.  
  
"To bad." The girl with curly hair replied. "_I'm_ False Spring Queen."  
  
The Snow Scouts first took off their masks and then ate the candy. Afterward, they all thanked the large man by saying "Thank you, Bruce."  
  
"You're welcome kids." He said. "Now, lets do our pledge."  
  
"Wait, I thought of an even better one!" The young girl with orange braided hair exclaimed. "Listen! Reese's Cups are amazing, better then Hershys, chocolatey, delicious, energizing, fun, great, happy, interesting, jaw-wateringly delicious, keen-o, luscious, mouth-watering, never bad, peanut buttery, queenly, really delicious, sugary, thick, unbelievably delicious, very delicious, well-formed, xylophone, yummy, and zestfully delicious."  
  
All the Snow Scouts cheered, recited the new pledge again, then left the room.  
  
_HOW WOULD THE MAN WITH A BEARD BUT NO HAIR AND THE WOMEN WITH HAIR BUT NO BEARD EAT A REESES'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?_  
  
A man and woman walked into the room. Their aura of menace was so strong that my assistant could feel it through the wall.  
  
"Another room to burn down!" Cried the woman with hair but no beard.  
  
"Wait, what's that?" Asked the man with a beard but not hair, pointing to the bowl of Reese's Cups. They both walked over to the table and looked and saw the candy.  
  
"It's Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!" Cried the woman with hair but no beard. "That used to be my favorite candy, before I became a stupid volunteer." She laughed. "Did you know that I used to believe in that whole 'keeping the world quiet' thing? Fighting fire with fire works _so_ much better."  
  
The man with a beard but no hair grabbed a candy and said, "Let's eat one before we burn the room down."  
  
"Why not?" The woman with hair but no beard shrugged. They both unwrapped their candies and ate them. "Pretty good." The woman with hair but no beard nodded. "But not half as good as seeing this room burned to the ground!"  
  
"Definitely." The man with a beard but no hair agreed. "All rooms with green walls have got to go. I'm glad stupid Olivia, I mean," he laughed, "Madam Lulu told us about this. Let's burn out those rats!" He took out a bottle of gasoline and poured it all out around the room.  
  
The woman with hair but no beard cackled, threw a match onto the liquid, and they both fled. Fortunately for my assistant, they didn't realize that their match went out when he came and poured a whole bucket of water on it, which he had kept with him for emergencies.  
  
_THERE'S NO WRONG WAY TO EAT A REESE'S!!_  
  
**REVIEWERS-**  
  
NewbiaTheElf- Yeah, this is the last chapter of characters I can do. Unless you think of someone I missed, in which case review and tell me. Hey, I could do the nuns who baked the lasagna! Just kidding. Hmmmmm. A story about Madam Lulu. Interesting idea. I'm glad you thought it was dramatic. Thank you. (bows)  
  
Queenofinsanity- I have glasses too! But I'm getting contacts really soon! Exciting! I've already tried them on. They're really hard to get in, expecially for me because my eyes are so sensitive and don't like things touching them. Getting them out is the hardest. I had to have the doctor take them out.  
  
o0wallpaper0o- I'm also 14. My birthday was July 2nd. So you must be going into High School too, unless the schooling is different in the UK. It's been really cold here in the states. Not much rain, though.  
  
Leigh A. Sumpter- Someone could give you the book as a late birthday gift. I can't wait for the book to come out so I can make a new chapter, if there are any new, good characters for the 11th book.  
  
Katrina Quagmire- I'm glad you thought it was so funny. That's my goal on fanfiction: Brightening up people's lives. Here's the slippery Slope for you! Enjoy!  
  
Coffee Luv and MORT- Yeah for Mort! Anything else he wants to suggest? Why is his name Mort? (looks at your profile) Yeah! I'm not alone! Someone else doesn't like Sponge Bob! (does happy dance)  
  
KittyWillow- No. Kill Bill looked too scary and violent. I don't like movies with blood and gore and cuts and icky stuff. It makes me sick. Also, movies with suspenseful music scares me. One time we were watching a suspense movie with an invisible monster (which was probably invisible so they wouldn't have to spend money on making a good monster costume) that went and killed people during the night. I think it was called The Forbidden Planet. Anyway, every night there was this CREEEPY music and it would show the monster's footprints and someone screaming. I ran all the way up to my bed and tried to block out the suspenseful music, but I couldn't! I have horrible nightmares. Anyway, sorry about that randomness. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
**READ AND REVIEW!!! NEXT CHAPTER WON"T BE UP FOR QUITE A WHILE SEEING AS THERE ARE NO MORE CHARACTERS!!!!! SORRY!!! REVIEW ANYWAY!!!! **


	13. Grim Grotto People

HOW WOULD CAPTIAN WIDDERSHINS EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?

A huge man with a diving suit with Herman Melville on the front opened the door and squeezed into the room. He had a mustache that curled up at the corners like a pair of parenthesis.

"Aye! Come on everybody, let's go back to the Queequeg! Aye! Don't hesitate! He who hesitates is lost!"

There was silence, and then Captain Widdershins shrugged and went over to the table and the bowl of Reese's Cups. He looked inside and cried, "Whoever wants candy, come here! Come quickly! Don't think about hesitating! Because then you'll be lost! Aye! Because he who hesitates is lost! Aye!"

Captain Widdershins didn't bother to wait to find out if more people wanted the candy. Instead, without hesitation, he grabbed one of the candies, unwrapped it and ate it. Then he grabbed another, and another and pretty soon, without hesitating, he had eaten all the candy.

Then he patted his stomach happily. "Yum." He sighed.

Then he looked around and called "Anyone here? Aye! Where's my other crewmember? Phil? Come here! Don't hesitate! Do you know why you shouldn't hesitate? Because then you'll be lost! Aye! He who hesitates is lost! Aye!"

The last 'Aye!' echoed in the room and Captain Widdershins gave a sad sigh. "I'll just find my way back to the Queequeg myself!" He decided. "I can't wait around for Phil! I can't hesitate! Aye! He who hesitates is lost!"

I'm sorry to tell you that the captain's personal philosophy is not always correct. And this is one of those times. If the Captain had hesitated before eating the candy, he would have heard someone calling his name, and if he had waited before leaving the room, he would have met that someone, and preventing a disaster.

HOW WOULD FIONA WIDDERSHINS EAT A REESE'S CUP?

Fiona walked into the room and sighed. She missed the Baudelaires. Especially Klaus. But they were wrong to expect her to follow them. They should understand that she wanted to stay with her brother.

She spied the bowl of Reese's Cups and walked over. She picked one up and unwrapped it. Then she looked at the ingredients. "Peanut butter!" She cried. "I'm allergic to that gross stuff!"

She sighed and began to pick off bits of the chocolate and eat it, first making sure it had not peanut butter on it. It was dangerous, and she could still get an allergic reaction, but she was hungry and didn't care that much.

"People are like Reese's Cups." She thought. "Not all good or all bad. They have good parts and bad parts."

Then she looked at the ingredients again. "Why, this candy has some ingredients that are perfect for growing a Glowing Sporium, a kind of mushroom noted for it's ability to glow-it-the-dark.

Then she left the room, carrying all the candies with her, hoping to grow a ton of mushrooms to study and to hopefully make into medicines.

HOW WOULD THE FAMOUS TAP-DANCING FAIRY PRINCESS VETERARIAN EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTER CUP?

The famous tap-dancing fairy princess veterinarian waltzed into the room in a pink tutu. She smiled and spun until she got dizzy and tripped over the table, landing on the floor.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!" She cried. "Essssmmmmeee!" But there was no answer.

"Humpf." The famous tap-dancing fairy princess veterinarian pouted. Then she stood up and saw the bowl with the Reese's Cups in it.

"Yummmmy!" She cried. "I feel a song coming on!"

And she began to sing, in her horribly off-key, high, squeaky voice.

"R is for really yummy!

E is for exceptional

E is also for enjoyable

S is for super

E is for xylophone and

S is for sugary!"

The famous tap-dancing fairy princess veterinarian curtsied three times then grabbed a candy. "Can veterinarians eat candy?" She wondered. Then she smiled greedily and said, "They can if I want them to!" Then she unwrapped it and ate it rather messily. She also unwrapped the rest and ate all of them to. Then she danced out of the room.

HOW WOULD FERNALD aka HOOKY aka THE HOOK-HANDED MAN EAT A REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP?

A man with two hooks for hands walked into the room. He sighed to himself. "I just can't decide if I should escape with the Baudelaires and Fiona."

Then he saw the Reese's cups in the bowl. He stabbed one with his hook and unwrapped it with his mouth. He'd gotten used to using his mouth a lot.

"I know how I'll decide!" He said brightly.

"I'll go with the Fiona," and he took a small bite. Then he said, "I'll stay with Olaf," and he took another bite, "I'll go", "I'll stay", "I'll go"

And he continued this until there was only one bite left, "I'll stay," he said, and then he took the last bite. He stared at his empty hook and said decidedly, " I'll go with Fiona."

Just then, he heard Count Olaf's voice calling, "Hooky! Come on! Your sister's decided to join us and capture the Baudelaires! Muahahaha sniggle fortune! Hahahahaha!"

"I guess I'm going to be with Fiona, and stay with Olaf." Fernald said, and hurried out the door.

REVIEWER NOTES

KittyWillow- Did you get my e-mail? I wrote to tell you how sorry I am about your poor bunny. Have you gotten a new bunny? I hope you're happier now, since it was a long time ago that you wrote the review about your bunny. If you do get a new bunny, name her Pearl, after me. Hee hee. Anyway, have you seen the new movie yet? It's ….interesting.

Leigh A. Sumpter- Thanks for reviewing! Here are the eleventh book characters!

Katrina Quagmire- I'm glad you thought it was funny. I try my best. I hope there are lots of new characters in the 12th book for me to do. And I hope they talk more about Kit, because there wasn't enough info about her for me to do a really good job with her.

Coffee Luv, Axe-r of MarySues – I LOVE your new name! I love reading and writing Mary Sue parodies. I have the perfect Mary Sue (that's kinda redundant). Her name is Celeste, and everybody's obsessed with her silvery-blue eyes. Gag.

VisualPurple- Hey S! I can't believe Winter Break is over! Aaaiiiii! The pain! It's too much! And midterms are coming up. Soon. Keep writing your story! I like it a lot! And look whom I put on my favorite author's list.

Ooga- Yup snow gnats. I know it's really random. So sue me. Actually, don't.

Book Anaconda in the Rain- You have a really random name. Does it mean anything? I hate low sugar Hershey kisses. They're disgusting! But actually I think low carb strawberry yogurt is really good, I don't know why.

RandomPyRoPerson- Yeah, this story certainly makes you really want to eat something chocolately and peanut butter-y. Yum, yum. Every Halloween I also try to get as many Reese's Cups as I can. Then I put it in my candy drawer.

Griffin14- I like griffins. They're cool. Actuality, that's how you spell it. Yeah, I miss the commercials too. I don't know what happened to them! My favorite was Count Dracula. 'I like to eat the peanut butter first.' And there were tooth marks in the candy. That was so cool. Yeah, it's a pretty weird story.

Violet Baudelaire- You're back! Yeah! I missed your reviews! Here's the GG one for you.

KaoriRose- Glad you liked it. What's you name mean? It's really cool.

Andrew Tomas Green- This is actually probably the easiest story to write. I just really think about the characters, and the ideas come to me. I'm glad you liked it.

Arden c. Evans- That would be really cool if I could write TV commercials, but I don't think they'd let me. I would be cool if Daniel Handler, I mean Lemony Snicket went on fanfiction and read our stories. One person actually got a review from an anonymous person named Lemony Snicket and it said something like 'This story is not the true account of my Beatrice.' But it probably wasn't him.

Elvengirl9- I like elves. Have you read Lord of the Rings? Or seen the movies? The next series of Unfortunate Events book already came out. It's called the Grim Grotto.

FionaRox- Cool name. I agree. I don't get it. Why would Fiona use hairspray? Please explain.

Queenofinsanity- Ok, I did GG characters. Be happy! Yeah!

I Love to Laugh (Hahahahaha)- that song from Merry Poppins is really funny and weird. I wish I could float. Glad you liked my story.

Chitoryu12- Thanks for the profiles. I decided not to use Kit in this story because I don't know enough about her.

Astrid Poodle- ouch. It must hurt to trip over a table. That would be really scary to get attacked by leeches. I went swimming in a leech-infested lake, and my Mom said not to touch the ground too much because that's where the leeches are. None of us got leeches stuck on us.

Chibi millennia Phantom- What's your name mean? How would I eat a Reese's? One time I used small cookie cutters and pressed them into the candy. Then I got tree shaped Reese's Cups! Everyone needs to eat a healthy supply of randomness. Or they can just read my story. That has a week's supply of randomness.

Baudelaire addict- Thanks for the profile. Hmmmm, maybe I'll do a chapter of animals. I could to the lions, snakes, crows and eagles. It'll be harder then doing people though. A ghost couldn't eat candy, though. I should to the guy at the Last Chance General Store. Thanks for the suggestions. Do you write any stories? If you have, give me your pen name.


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